Today is my 10 year wedding anniversary. My hubby has planned a weekend away and we made arrangements with the grandparents to stay with my babies. I need time away. I truly do. But honestly, there is a part of me that’s dreading it.
Because for the first time since they have been born, I won’t be the one putting them to sleep and cuddling them at night.
I ask myself why am I feeling this way if I can clearly admit that I need a break from life.
A night where I have no responsibilities.
Why am I feeling so sad that I won’t be around my kids?
Aside from the regular mommy guilt, I realized it goes so much deeper.
My journey to get to motherhood was not easy. As soon as we were married, we wanted to have a baby. I was 25. I was young, “healthy” and eager to join motherhood. Well, the Universe had other plans.
I was under 30,
I had miscarried twice,
had surgery each time
and 5 years of trying to conceive.
Tears and tears of sadness.
Feelings of hopelessness.
Feelings of unworthiness.
It was the worst time of my life.
I felt I failed as a mother, a wife, a woman. In my head, I thought I was less-than because I couldn’t carry a pregnancy to term. I was young! This shouldn’t be happening.
During that time, I decided to forego conventional methods after my first miscarriage and sought out a naturopath. This amazing woman changed my life forever. Not just by helping me conviece the natural way, but she also set me on the path of evolving spiritually and sparked my fuel and love for traditional healing methods. Truly one of many angels in my life.
So about 5 years into trying to have a baby, I finally gave birth to my first baby girl. Between my first and second daughters, I had a third miscarriage. Again, I contacted my naturopath and she helped me concieve to which I had a second girl.
Now to get to my point:
I discovered the reason I struggle tonight with leaving them is because I waited so long to have them. I went through my own version of hell to have them safely in my arms.
I felt that I’ve already lost some time waiting for them to come and I want to enjoy every single moment. I don’t want to have one night away. I want to be the one to tuck them into bed and read a bed time story. I want to give them a bath and to prepare their food. And now that it will be the first night I’m away from them is a little tough.
Because I always said from the moment I became a mother…
A lifetime is not enough, I want an eternity.
Nikolina, owner of Maiden to Mother Photoart, is an mom to two girls and is based out of Caledon, Ontario. Changing careers a few times, she ended up following her passion for photography by making a business out of it. Whether she is taking pictures of families or women in business, her vision will always be to empower her subjects to shine their brightest and have FUN.